Moonlight upon the Sea - Chapter Five

Chapter Five

When Tayshia returned to the living room, Ash was in the kitchen making himself a snack.

“You want some of this?” he called after he heard the couch shifting. He turned to glance across the room at her, seeing her wrapping herself up in the blanket and lying down on her side with her head on his pillow.

“What’s in it?” she asked, her voice catching. She cleared her throat and let out a cough. “Like I mean, what are you putting in it, and what are you cooking it in?”

His face twisted in confusion as he turned back to the stove. “It’s just vegetables in olive oil. But like, with pepper and shit.”

She was silent for a long second before she said, “No, I’m too tired.”

It took Ash a second of chopping celery to realize what she’d said. “Too tired? What the fuck are you talking about? How are you too tired to eat?”

She didn’t answer.

Even more perplexed, Ash spun to look at her.

She was asleep.

What the fuck? How could she have fallen asleep that fast?

When the food was done, he scooped it into a bowl and took it out to the living room. He stared at the couch for a second, debating. He could easily sit on the other side of it, far away from her. Or he could pull the blanket open and sit in the spot she was in before she took his. The way she was curled up on her side meant that he’d be near her rear, but if he kept a decent distance between them, he could respect her and stay inside the warmth of the blanket.

Decision made.

He pulled the blanket open and sat on the couch beneath it with his knees pulled up to his chest and Tayshia four or five inches away from him. She inhaled deeply through her nose and settled deeper into the pillow, hugging it closer to her face.

As the second movie began to play, Ash took a bite of his food and glanced over at her. He gazed at her face, at the peacefulness he saw there, and he realized something.

Tayshia was beautiful. Really beautiful. And it wasn’t just because she had striking features that he found attractive.

It was her resilience.

The way that she’d suffered through all that pain not even six months ago and she’d still come to school. She’d made the decision to keep going, to keep living, to keep breathing. She was the girl who wasn’t afraid to offer herself up to spare unnecessary pain, whether it be her father’s or her own.

Here she was, asleep with frown lines etched into her forehead that he wanted to smooth away, and she was beautiful.

Holding the bowl of steaming hot vegetables with one hand, he reached over with his other. His fingers brushed a stray curl out of her eyes, revealing her face again. He saw her eyes moving beneath flickering eyelids. Ash wondered what she was dreaming of this time.

What if the reason why she dreamed was to keep the memory at bay?

Tayshia jolted awake, her bleary gaze traveling back and forth between his fingers and his eyes.

“What happened?” she whispered. “Did I fall asleep?”

“For like two seconds.”

“Damn. I don’t even remember closing my eyes. It feels like I slept for ten hours.”

Ash took a bite of his food, his heart pounding. Was she going to say anything about him touching her hair?

Tayshia watched the movie without lifting her head from the pillow. The storm had picked up outside, just barely loud enough for Ash to need to turn up the volume a couple notches on the TV. The movie was ten minutes in, the loud music already grating on his ears.

“I’d like to let the record state that I have had it with people in horror movies,” Tayshia said, her voice muffled from sleep. “All they ever do is wake up and choose violence. Every. Damn. Day.”

“Fuck. You’re not wrong.”

When he glanced over at her, the smile still fading from his face, he was surprised to see her lips twitching. She turned her head for a moment, as quick as she could, and then a mask of haughtiness washed over her face.

“I love horror movies, but I’m telling you—all they have to do is move out of the house. And don’t give me none of that but the demon will follow them shit. You think demons don’t have better shit to do than follow these bitches around?”

Ash laughed, unable to stop the sound from bubbling out of his chest before it faded. It was difficult to listen to her, cracking jokes and pretending. Pretending that August 17th had never happened. Pretending to be okay.

When he looked at her, it was hard for him not to see past the façade and remember the feelings of fear and helplessness that had spread through them both like wildfire. The hope when she tried to talk her way out of it, and the resignation when she realized she couldn’t. The pain when she cried on the floor at the foot of the bed. The numbness when she showered. The catatonia before she finally fell asleep.

Tayshia was and always had been as strong as stone to him. He’d thought that in flame, she would be forged into diamond. But there they were: the cracks running throughout. She looked like a diamond on the outside but inside, he knew she had to be floating in a zirconian fog.

Though Ash had never been the emotional sort, he felt something gut-wrenching for her. Something he couldn’t quite place. The best way he could think to explain it was having the desire to hold her hand and caress her skin, while also wanting to murder anyone who looked in her direction.

That terrified him.

Finishing up his food, he went to the kitchen and stuck the bowl into the sink. As he turned around, he saw that Tayshia had gotten up and was heading toward the hall. He reached the walkway behind the couch right as she did.

She looked at him as her foot moved forward and then she blinked like she was dizzy. Letting out a gasp, she pitched forward.

Ash gave it no second thoughts. He reached out and caught her, one arm around her back with his hand gripping her right elbow. His other hand held her left forearm.

“What’s wrong?” he murmured.

“I’m fine,” she said, her voice seeming to become swallowed up by the room. “I just felt a little faint. Poor timing. You can let go.”

“Faint?” He didn’t let go of her, finding that he felt weirdly complete to have her in his arms in any capacity. “You seem to feel faint a lot. Like, I’ve seen you looking fucked up at school. Fucked up and super tired.”

“What? No, I...can you just...you can let go now, okay?”

Ash narrowed his eyes, a new suspicion arising. “Why are you deflecting?”

“Deflecting? I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. You literally passed out on the couch and now you just fell over. What is—”

“Ash, let go of me!” she cried, her voice echoing. The suddenness of her shrieking startled him, and he let go of her as though she’d caught fire. She glared up at him while she rubbed her fingers in anxious motions. “Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me unless I ask.”

Ash wanted to die for the shame that burned in his heart. Of course she wouldn’t want to be touched.

What the fuck was he thinking?

“It’s my bad,” he said, averting his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

She went down the hall to the bathroom.

Ash went back to the couch and took the spot that was his, right beside his pillow. He pulled one foot onto the couch, his knee against his chest as he dragged his hands through his hair in exasperation. He made several attempts to push back his negative feelings towards himself.

Fuck, all of this stress was starting to wear on him.

Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt.

Ash glanced up. It was a phone vibrating on the coffee table, and it wasn’t his. It was Tayshia’s. He glanced at the lock screen.

I don’t see what the point is. I wasted my time. You wasted yours. I fucked Quinn. You fucked Ash. We can call it even. – Kieran.

It looked like a reply.

She was texting Kieran? Why the Hell would she want to text him? He’d cheated on her and after the things he’d seen in her memory, why on God’s green Earth would she have any interest in speaking with him in any capacity again?

And why the fuck would she lie about something like sex after what she’d been through?

Tayshia walked back out, pulled the blanket open, and sat down beside Ash again. Her body pressed flush against him, a confusing contradiction to her little meltdown before she’d gone to the bathroom. Outside, tree branches were being whipped so violently by the windstorm that they were lashing against the windows and the sliding glass door to the balcony. Inside, only the TV provided noise.

Between Ash and Tayshia, it was dead silent.

Art by Meialoue

“Are you mad at me?” Tayshia said after a while.

“Why would I have a reason to be mad at you?”

She studied him and then said, “I didn’t mean to yell at you. I just freaked out.”

“No, but you’re used to getting yelled at.” His gaze snapped down to hers, their faces less than a foot away from one another in the fading daylight. “You might actually miss it.”

“Excuse me? What are you talking about?”

“Or maybe it’s just your cheating abusive ex that you miss.”

“Abusive?” Tayshia raised her voice. “What the Hell are you talking about?"

Ash said nothing.

“Ash!” she cried. “What do you mean?!”

“Watch your mouth,” he snapped in a taunting tone. “Wouldn’t want you to lie.”

Tayshia watched him for a moment and then her arm shot out of the blanket. She snatched her cell phone up and clicked the power button to light the screen. There was more silence after she read the notification.

“Just catching up?” Ash said.

“Oh, my God.” She ducked her head into her own knees and covered the back of her hair with her arms. “Oh, my God. I’m so embarrassed.”

“Are you trying to get me jumped? No, seriously. Are you actually trying to get me jumped by the entire fucking football team?”

“No, I’m not!” Tayshia cried, holding her phone in one hand and waving the other about. “I don’t know why I lied. I just wanted to hurt his feelings because he hurt mine.”

Ash glared down at her. “So you told him I fucked you?”

Her mouth opened and closed, several sounds leaving her throat that showed him he’d flustered her to speechlessness.

“But you hate him,” she finally said, voice meek as she winced.

“I despise Kieran,” he said. “You know that.”

“I do know that.”

“So, why are you asking?”

“I’m not asking anything. I didn’t ask a question.”

“What do you want from me?!” he snarled. “Do you want me to walk up to him and punch him in the face? Huh? You want me to smash his face into a wall until his nose bleeds? What the fuck? What the fuck do you want?"

A few seconds passed where she stared at him in astonishment and then without letting her breath out, she answered him.

“Yes.”

He blinked. “What?”

She let out a scowl and looked at the TV. He heard her acrylic nail tapping against the screen of her phone, playing out the tune of her anxiety. “It’s selfish of me, but yes. I do. It’s so juvenile and stupid but that’s what I want. I’m tired of thinking about the fact that the only reason why I wasn’t good enough was because she would sleep with him and I wouldn’t.”

“Hey,” Ash said, tone gentle. He thought about putting his arm around her, then thought better of it. “It’s not stupid. Juvenile, yeah. But not stupid.”

“I’m just...” She hung her head. “I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one who can defend myself. It gets tiring. Constantly fighting for myself when sometimes I just want...I just want...”

“A tall guy with tattoos to beat your ex-boyfriend up?”

When she said nothing, choosing instead to glare resolutely at the television, Ash couldn’t help it. His anger melted into mirth and he burst out laughing. She whirled on him, rising onto her knees on the couch with one hand on his shoulder and the other with her fist raised. He laughed harder, raising a defensive hand.

“Okay, okay!” he said. “I’m just fucking with you.”

“Don’t put it like that.” She wrinkled her nose in a pout of irritation and then slid down until she was sitting with her legs curled underneath her, still facing him. “It’s humiliating and sounds even more immature.”

“But I’d do it,” he said, lacing his fingers behind his head and leaning back against the couch. “If you asked.”

It looked like she was fighting the urge to smile. “I doubt that. Risking your probation that way? You’d go straight to jail. Possibly get expelled on top of that.”

Ash lowered his gaze, frowning as the light spirit in the air dwindled to nothing. It mingled with the churning waters inside of him and turned them into whirlpools of rage. His future when it came to his probation was uncertain. But how he felt about Kieran was as certain as the sunrise.

“It’d be worth it. He deserves it.”

Tayshia started to say something, then seemed to change her mind. Without another word, she turned and resumed watching the movie. A quiet yet charged silence existed between them.

Ash didn’t want the opportunity to get her to open up to pass. He needed to get somewhere with her on the path towards talking about the memory. It was impossible for him to erase that it had happened. He was never going to forget what he’d seen. What he’d felt.

Just because she wanted to play pretend didn’t mean he could.

“So you want it done at school? Or you want me to find his house?”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t actually attack Kieran.”

“Yes, I can,” he said, eyebrows shooting up. “Are you joking? I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

“But the consequences are typically supposed to outweigh the desire, Ash.”

“Typically,” he said.

They held each other’s gazes in yet another challenge.

“You’re ridiculous,” she said. “Do you live in a completely different dimension from the rest of us? You can’t just do whatever you want. There are rules and there are cogs to the machine that fit together the way they’re supposed to.”

Ash breathed a laugh, then rubbed the stubble on his chin with his fingers. “I know how things work. I went to jail, so I know.”

“Then what’s the difference?”

“The difference is that I don’t always give a fuck about the rules or the consequences or the cogs in the machine. In this particular situation, I would be willing to risk all of that just to smash his face into a fucking wall. I would, and the only reason why you don’t want me to is because you’re afraid of what people will think of you if they find out you were involved.”

Tayshia lifted one brow and he went on.

“Kieran deserves my fist in his fucking face.”

Both of Tayshia’s hands went to the hem of the hoodie, where she gripped it and fidgeted with it. He saw her chew her lips, clearly unsure of what to say next.

“Has he spoken to you since you broke up?” he asked. “Like, in person? Not over text.”

“No,” she said. “And I never officially broke up with him. I just ghosted him the weekend of my birthday. Then I walked up to him at school and told him I knew he was cheating. He told me—” She looked away and then said, “He took it better than expected.”

“What did he say?”

“Nothing. He just...took it better than expected.”

“What did he say?" Ash growled through his teeth.

“Nothing. Just leave it alone. And don’t say anything to him. I don’t know why I even have to say that. Let it go.”

Ash bit his lip and looked down into the shadows between the coffee table and the couch. He nodded to himself, on the verge of grabbing his car keys and driving into the storm to find the piece of shit. If the way he’d heard Kieran speak to her in the memory was any indication, he was sure it wasn’t nothing. Kieran had probably had all sorts of fun, neat things to say to her.

Ash didn’t like that.

“You do realize that you told him we fucked, right?”

She cringed. “I know.”

“Weren’t you worried I was gonna run into him at any point, and that I wouldn’t know what the Hell he was talking about if he confronted me?”

“I was concerned, yeah. I just hoped you hated him enough to avoid him at all costs. I was banking on him being so angry that he just moved on with Quinn and never spoke to either of us again.”

“Why’d you text him then?”

“Don’t get excited. This reply came two weeks later.”

“Why did you text him at all?"

Slowly, her mouth tipped down into a grimace. No words came forth.

“Were you trying to initiate something?” Ash asked.

“...maybe.”

Ash’s heart jumped in his chest. “Between who? You and I? Or you and him?”

“Both.”

“And then what?"

Her grimace turned into a weak smile. “I assumed there would be an argument and the two of you would get into a fight. And then a tall guy with tattoos would beat my ex-boyfriend up...?”

Ash laughed.

He laughed, and he couldn’t stop. He tilted his head back, holding the back of his hand over his mouth while the humor and absurdity of the situation overwhelmed him. As much as he did truly want to fuck Kieran’s shit up, the thought of Tayshia plotting to manipulate Ash into being her personal street fighter?

It was hilarious.

“What?!” she cried. “He’s terrified of you! I didn’t think getting the fight to start would be the most difficult part. I figured the hardest part would be getting him to believe you cared about me enough to do it.”

“How would this shit ensue?!” Ash said between laughs, his vision swimming with tears of mirth. “Was I supposed to just magically know you’ve been wandering around the apartment, orchestrating these fucking plots?!"

“Shut up!” she cried. “Damn! I would have told you eventually if I needed to, I just didn’t need to yet.”

“If you want me to kick his ass, just ask,” he said. “Don’t orchestrate plots to trick me into it. Honestly, it would take less than a question. A pointed look is all I’d need.”

“I didn’t want to do that, to ask. It feels wrong to even think about it.”

“But not wrong to create an entire plot to get me to do it?”

“Uh...” Another grimace and then a wince. “No?”

“Well, what the Hell were you thinking would get him worked up enough to want to fight?! Just seeing my face?!”

She lifted her shoulders in a meek shrug. “I said it was juvenile and stupid.”

“I’m a little hung up on the fact that you told him we slept together.” Ash regarded her warily. “Why would you think he’d believe that?”

“Getting him to believe it was the second part of my—well, my plot.”

Ash looked at the TV, watching the actors in the movie. He listened to the howling of the wind and the rain slamming down against the apartment roof as the gears in his mind continued to turn. Then, everything clicked into place, fitting neat and firm.

“I am not going to pretend to date you.”

Tayshia sprung up onto her knees on the couch, her hands clasped in front of her.

“Ash, come on,” she whined. “Please? We literally wouldn’t have to do anything except maybe hold hands.”

“No.”

“Come on! It’s just a hand hold. We’ve done way worse.”

“No.”

“Why not?!”

“Because you don’t need to impress that piece of trash,” he said, glaring up at her where she knelt. “It degrades you, degrades me, and gives him power over both of our lives. If you want me to beat the fuck out of him, I got you. But if you wanna do that juvenile fanfiction shit, you’re gonna have to ask Elijah or something.”

Tayshia was silent in the wake of his tirade until she said, “Maybe I will.”

Something reared back inside of him, preparing to whip his anger into him like a lashing.

“Maybe you should.”

He saw her chewing the inside of her cheek, her brows furrowed low over her eyes. Ash listened to the sound of his own heart as the thoughts trickled their way across her face like flickering shadows.

“I know it’s stupid,” she said, her voice lowering to a whisper as she sank down onto the couch again. “And I know it’s childish. But he made me feel like nothing. And somehow, even though we don’t get along, you don’t make me feel that way. It’s not about pissing him off or making him jealous. It’s about showing him that just because he didn’t see my worth, doesn’t mean that other people don’t.”

Ash swallowed, his throat feeling dry. “What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that it’s stupid. It is stupid.”

“...this isn’t about Kieran.” When she shot him a sharp look, he knew he was treading on dangerous waters. “This is about the fact that you want to prove something to yourself—because you know Kieran doesn’t care. The thing is that you care. But the fact of that matter is that you won’t even let me touch you. You just screamed at me over there to get me to take my hands off of you. So why the Hell would you think that you’d be able to pretend to be my girl?”

“That’s not—it’s not—I don’t know how to explain it. I figured we would...I dunno...ease into it? Try again? Maybe start things in the same place we started them before."

“Do you mean...like reenact what we did in the hallway?”

“Yes.”