Moonlight upon the Sea - Chapter Eleven

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Trigger Warnings: description of an emaciated body

Chapter Eleven

Ash woke to the sound of rain, expecting Tayshia to be gone.

To his surprise, she was still lying in his bed. They were in the same position they’d fallen asleep in. His arms were wrapped around her, the fingers of one hand tangled in her curls. Her bonnet was on the pillow behind her head. Her face was pressed into the junction of his neck and shoulder and one of her legs was tucked in-between his as her hands gripped his shirt.

Lying there in a sleepy haze for a moment, Ash tried to separate reality from the dreamscape they’d created.

He remembered decorating the tree together and talking, remembered getting to know her on a level that he hadn’t expected nor planned on. In the dream, it had felt so vivid and real. The lights twinkling on the tree, the feeling of his arm around her shoulders.

It felt like a distant memory.

The reality was the weight of Tayshia on his arm and the heat of her body pressed against his. She was something real that he could touch and feel, whether he was asleep or awake.

He liked reality better.

Tayshia woke a short time later with a start, her body going rigid.

“You snore, you know,” he said.

There was a moment before she relaxed into him again, not moving her position. “Thanks for telling me. And what?

“And what...what?”

“What about it?”

“Feisty when you get up, too, I see,” he said, his voice hoarse. He shifted, relaxing further into her.

“Did we wake up late? What time is it?”

“I haven’t the slightest clue.”

He groaned in protest as she extricated herself from his arms and sat up so she could see the clock behind him. Her hair was a disaster—a beautiful one.

“We’re halfway into the day.”

“Like, it’s noon?”

“No, I mean the day. Like, the school day. It’s past lunch. How did we sleep so late?!”

“Shame,” he said, smirking. “Let’s just stay home.”

“I don’t skip school, Ash,” she replied, glowering at him. “I’m me.”

“Well, now you do.”

She scowled and threw the covers aside, splintering his warmth with cold air. With more grumbling, he took the covers and pulled them up to his neck. He watched as she walked around the bed.

“You’re a bad influence on me,” she said, sounding annoyed. “But we’re not going to sit around and do nothing. Let’s go to the bookstore.”

“The bookstore?” Begrudgingly, he sat up, his hair in his eyes. “What for?”

“You may be happy accepting something unexplainable for four-and-whatever months, but I am not. I need to know what’s going on between us and why we’re able to walk in each other’s dreams. The fact that we can interact like we did the last couple of times is just...” She placed her hand to her temple and drew it away. “Unreal. Hurry up and get dressed. I don’t have time for this. Let’s go, let’s go, little boy.”

Ash stifled a laugh as she grabbed a pair of his skinny jeans from the floor and tossed them at him. He caught them right as she pulled multiple dresser drawers open. In the next few seconds, a fresh pair of boxers and a black pullover were on the bed with him as well. Shocked that she was just going through his drawers like that, he was slow to react when he saw her inspecting the wooden chest on top of it with curiosity.

The one he’d been throwing his father’s letters into every week since he got out of jail.

“What’s inside here?” she asked.

Her fingers unlatched the bronze clasp.

Ash’s heart leapt into his chest. He tossed aside the covers and rushed across the room to get to her. Standing behind her, he curved one hand around the front edge of the dresser and the other hand around her wrist to stop her, boxing her in. She looked up at him, her hair brushing against his chest.

“What are you hiding? More drugs?”

“No,” he said. “Do you need to know every little thing about me?”

“It’s just a chest, Ash,” she quipped. “And I’ve asked you hardly anything about yourself, so don’t act like I’m some nosy bitch trying to insert herself into your life. You know things about me that no one else does.”

“And that’s your choice to let me know those things,” he said, tightening his hand when she tried to move.

“Not all of it was.”

Guilt colored him pale as he realized what he’d just said. His words were only half-true. Some things he knew about her because she’d told him. He only knew about Paris by accident.

Still.

His father was off-limits.

“Please,” he whispered, averting his eyes. “Leave this one alone.”

“All right,” she said in an icy tone. This time when she pulled on her hand, he let her. “But next time you wanna know my business, you can stay wanting to know.”

He moved aside as she walked away from the dresser. Without looking at him again, she left the room.

Ash hurried to dress, glancing over at the chest. There was no desire inside of Ash to read any of them, but something about knowing the letters were coming had given him a strange sense of comfort.

He knew he was being overdramatic about them. They were probably mundane play-by-plays of Gabriel’s daily life in prison—not his undying apologies for being a horrid father.

When his shoes were on and his cologne had been sprayed, Ash headed out to the living room. Tayshia was there, sitting on the arm of the couch. She’d gotten dressed, too—into another pair of leggings and the knit sweater he bought her for her birthday. Her curls were pulled up into two buns, spiraling pieces hanging down haphazardly around her face. She was staring at the blank television screen in a listless manner, shoulders slumped with what looked like exhaustion or dejection.

“Still tired?”

“Huh?” She jumped to her feet, whirling to look at him at the entrance to the hallway. He was shrugging into his jacket. “Y-Yeah, a little bit.”

“So, what are we going to the bookstore for?”

“To try and find whatever we couldn’t find at Moonbeams & Things,” she said. “Books on crystals, dreams, caverns. I dunno. Anything.”

“You know,” he said, slipping his hands into the back pockets of his jeans, “it’s entirely possible that there’s no answers. You prepared for that?”

“Yes, obviously.” She tucked a loose curl behind her ear. “I’m aware that things like magic aren’t technically real. At least, not to society.”

“You don’t consider dreamwalking magic?”

“I do, to an extent,” she said. “It’s the same thing as astral projection. Is it real? Yeah, I think it is. Is it magic? Not necessarily, because magic isn’t real.”

“You say that like you’ve astral projected before.”

Ash had no idea what astral projection even was.

“I haven’t. But I think there are some things that just seem real to me. Anything that seems like it could just come from another dimension makes sense to me. Like aliens.”

“You been watching too much Ancient Aliens then.”

“Ash. It’s not like this is speculation. You’ve been in my dreams. I’ve been in yours. I just don’t think it’s magic.”

“Then what do you think it is?”

She frowned, looking down at the floor in thought.

“I think it’s got something to do with astronomy. I don’t have any reason why I think that. I just do.”

Ash supposed they’d find out. Or they wouldn’t. Either way, a theory was better than nothing but questions.

“Well, let’s get going,” Tayshia said, heading toward the door.

“Did you wanna go grab some lunch since we missed breakfast?” he asked, keys jangling in his hand.

“Me? Oh. No, I ate while you were changing.”

“Really?” he asked, eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “That quickly? Shit, I was only in my room for five minutes. You changed and ate an entire meal?”

“No, I—well, I mean, I had an apple.”

“I didn’t buy any apples last time I went to the store.”

“Sorry, God. My bad. It was an orange.” She patted her forehead and laughed. “Completely said the wrong fruit.”

He saw her begin fidgeting with her fingernails, and he was reminded of the way she’d looked in his dream. The way her skin seemed to stretch thinly over her bones. How she’d imagined herself to look like a shadow, a ghost of who she was. His gaze swept her body.

Tayshia was lying. He knew it in his bones that she was.

And it was because she was lying and because of his mother’s past that he knew there was a right way to go about this and a wrong way. It wasn’t his business until it was. And while he didn’t know the details of Tayshia’s issue—if that were in case, the problem—he knew that she had a temper.

He had to finesse her to get to the bottom of it.

“After the bookstore,” he said, moving forward again, “let’s go to Gianni’s. My treat.”

“For what reason?” she asked as they headed down to the parking lot. The rain’s weight was intermittent. “Early Christmas?”

“Sure, yeah.”

“Okay,” she said. “But...”

She stopped, pulling her phone out of the pocket of her sweater. A troubled expression crossed her face when she looked down at it. Ash opened the driver’s side door, hesitating before he sat down in the car. When she slid into the passenger’s side, it was clear she was upset about something.

“You good?” he asked. “Did someone from the school call because you skipped?”

“Shut up. I’m not that much of a goody two-shoes. Damn.” She side-eyed him. “Anyway, it’s nothing. Just stupid bullshit with the Kieran situation.”

“What did he do this time?” Ash turned the car on and put it in drive. Then, his hand went to the back of Tayshia’s seat so he could turn to look out the back windshield. “Or was it Quinn who texted about him?”

“Quinn and I don’t talk anymore,” Tayshia said, putting on her seatbelt. She sighed. “It was Kieran.”

Ash’s stomach flipped over and he gave Tayshia a sharp look. “Why?”

“Nothing, just...” Another sigh, followed by a shake of her head. “It’s not a big deal anymore. It would have bothered me a while ago, but now I just don’t care.”

“What did he say?”

Tayshia was quiet.

Ash glanced down, seeing her holding her phone on her thigh. Her leg was bouncing, a blatant indicator of her anxiety. Whatever Kieran had said, it was not nothing. A sudden flare of anger rose up within him, red-hot and unbearable.

“I’m gonna snatch that fucking phone up if you don’t tell me what he said,” Ash snarled, his hands gripping the wheel tightly. “What the fuck did he say to you?”

“Why do you have to be so nasty when you’re trying to get your way, Ash?!” Tayshia cried. “He called me a whore last night, all right? I have no idea why. Just texted me out of nowhere to call me a whore, and then he texted me just now to tell me he always knew I’d turn out to be a waste of time. It’s not like it’s anything I haven’t heard from him before.”

Ash’s anger immediately flew out into the nether, replaced by his guilt.

It was his fault. Because Ash had kissed her in the checkout lane. He’d kissed her for his own selfish reasons, knowing Kieran and Quinn were there.

Why hadn’t he assumed that Tayshia would get a text?

“Block him,” Ash said through gritted teeth. “Literally just block that thundercunt.”

Tayshia picked up her phone. She seemed hesitant.

“Block him,” Ash said, raising his voice in an indignant manner. “Before I get pissed off.”

“Okay! God, you are so rude.”

The silence was tense as her thumb flew across the screen.

“There. Blocked and deleted. Happy?”

“I’m ecstatic.” And he was. He was smirking, too.

More silence punctuated by Tayshia’s scowling. Ash looked over at her and their eyes met.

“I’m gonna beat the living shit out of him if he talks to you again,” he said. “I hope you realize that.”

“Bold of you to assume I’d tell you if he did,” she shot back.

“Okay. Anyway, I’m going to beat the living shit out of him if he talks to you again.”

She scowled again, throwing her gaze up to the ceiling of the car and her empty hand into the air.

“Well, hot damn. I guess I’ll just step aside while Mr. Felonious Assault takes care of business for me.”

“I will. I will take care of it. I’m already taking care of you, Miss Broke-Ass.”

“Don’t you use that against me. Just because you’re flush with cash—” She rubbed the fingers of her left hand together as she gave him a sour look. “—doesn’t mean you’re all that and bag of chips.”

“I am all that and a bag of chips. The good kind.”

“Oh, fuck off. Are you gonna shank him, too?”

“Depends. Would you like me to shank him? It can be arranged.”

“The fact that you’d do it if I said yes is the problem, headass.”

“And yet I don’t hear you saying no.” Ash’s eyebrows shot up as he pulled up to a red light. “You want me to shank him old school? Like, with a sharpened toothbrush?”

“Knock it off.”

“I can really, really fuck him up, though.”

“Shut up, Ash.”

“I can make him cry. You want me to make him cry for you, baby?”

“Shut up, Ash!" She whirled around to glare at him. “And wipe that smirk off your face. I’m not your baby."

“Yes, you are,” he joked, reaching over to grab her chin and shake her head a bit. “And you’re so cute when you’re annoyed, too.”

She smacked his hand away. He reached for her again, still smirking as she slapped at his hand a second time in annoyance.

They looked at each other.

And burst out laughing.

Ash covered his mouth with the back of his palm as he turned the wheel with one hand, trying not to laugh so hard that he drove off of the road. Tayshia giggled like a madwoman, tears of amusement filling her eyes as she struggled to contain her mirth.

They pulled into the parking lot of the shopping center.

“All right, you can shank him,” she said, the click of her seatbelt loud in the space of the small car. “But you ain’t gettin’ no rewards, so don’t ask.”

Ash parked the car, nonchalant as he unbuckled his seatbelt, turned, and grabbed her chin again. He dragged her across the center console until her lips crashed against his. He wasn’t thinking clearly and didn’t really care to. It wasn’t like a kiss made them boyfriend and girlfriend, or anything.

He just liked feeling like she was his from time-to-time.

At first, Tayshia started to pull back, her lips parting so she could inhale and prepare to berate him. But when his other hand slid up the side of her neck to hook beneath her ear, the soft grazing of his touch turned the inhalation to a sigh. His tongue was anything but tentative as he kissed down into her mouth with every intention of reaping rewards he certainly wasn’t owed. His other hand held her in place so he could devour her like they weren’t sitting in his car in the middle of the half-empty parking lot.

She tasted good.

“You—” she managed to breathe before he cut her off.

“Mm-hm.”

“But—”

“Shh.”

Ash slanted his head, becoming carried away by the thrill of kissing her like this when it felt so forbidden. He was the reason why they’d even been arguing. His own selfishness when kissing her in front of her ex had caused said ex to send her those nasty texts. Kissing her like this, debating pulling her into his lap so he could feel her against him, truly did feel like a reward.

Ash pulled back, watching her eyelids drag open until she was looking up into his eyes. She looked somewhat delirious—like she was two seconds away from passing out. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips, her chest heaving as she panted for breath. The look in her eyes was as close to hungry as he’d ever seen her get.

“I didn’t ask for a reward,” he said, grinning down at her. “But I don’t do anything for free.”

It took a second but then she was smacking his hand away again. She was laughing through it and for some reason, it made Ash’s heart feel lighter.

Tayshia had such a pretty smile.

“I hate you,” she said.

“No, you don’t.”

She studied him as though she were trying to figure out what was off about him. Then, she surged forward to place another kiss on his lips. When they broke apart, she gave him a scathing look and got out of the car.

---

The bookstore was mostly empty, save for one greying woman at one of the front registers.

“Let’s start with the Occult section,” Tayshia said, peering around at all the shelves and sections. “Look for anything you see that might have to do with dreams or the astral plane. That’s the best place to start, and maybe we’ll have a good direction after some reading.”

“Where’d you get the astral plane from?” he asked in a low tone as they walked through the neat, organized shelves. “Like, what made you think of that? What even is it?”

“Basically, astral projecting is where when you’re asleep, your soul leaves your body and walks the universe. It can go anywhere, see anything within seconds. I’m wondering if dreamwalking might be something similar.”

“Ah. Except that doesn’t explain why I was able to do it for months without you noticing, only to suddenly have you come into my dreams and have conversations with me.”

“Exactly,” she said, sneaking a glance up at him that she averted the moment his eyes met hers. “That’s why I said it was different from astral projection. Duh.”

“Well.” His lips curved up. “Excuse me, Miss Robards. I’d forgotten that you were the teacher.”

“When it comes to research,” she said, taking a right and entering the beginning of the Occult section, “I’m always the teacher.”

“Confidence is key.”

“Intelligence is key.”

They began to sift through books, fingers grazing spines on opposite sides of the walkway. Ash looked for subjects that might apply, as well as the two she’d specifically told him to search for. He wasn’t sure they were going to find what they were looking for, but he had hope that they could at least figure out a starting point to jump off of.

“Are you saying I’m unintelligent?” he shot back.

“Don’t be stupid. You’re the most intelligent guy I know.” Her tone was a parental coo. “And I know I’m right. I’m intelligent.”

“You’re lying.”

“The funny thing,” she said, standing on tip-toe to try and grab a book that was just out of her reach, “is that I’m not. You actually are the most intelligent guy I know.”

“The funny thing—” he mocked, reaching up past her fingertips to pluck the book off of the shelf. He leaned down and handed it to her, his mouth near her ear. “—is that for someone who claims to be intelligent, you sure like to make yourself look too dumb to ask for help.”

“Shut up,” she snapped, looking at the cover of the book: Understanding the Astral Plane. “I’m not even short. And catch me asking a man for help? Absolutely not.” She paused. “Okay, maybe you’re different. I guess I wouldn’t mind asking you for help. I feel safe with you.”

Something about her words caused him to stop dead in his tracks. He had his fingers pressed to the spine of one book, reading and rereading the title over and over until he realized he wasn’t absorbing anything. Shock reverberated through him, straight to his core. He turned to look down at her, right as she approached his side to show him another book.

“You feel safe with me?”

“Do I have reason not to feel that way?”

Ash was awestruck.

After weeks of her avoiding him, multiple arguments, and only two nights and dreams, she felt safe with him? She’d said it before, but he figured after the Paris dream and how violated she’d felt by having to relive it, she wouldn’t feel safe around him anymore.

After everything he’d done—and everything he hadn’t—she felt safe? With him?

“How?”

“I don’t know.” She looked up from the white pages of the book and did a double-take, seeing the serious expression in his eyes. “Ash, I don’t know, okay? I just do.”

“That’s not an answer,” he said, feeling a spike of panic inside of his chest.

What if he’d accidentally lulled her into a false sense of security?

What if she was unaware of what a horrible person he actually was?

What if she was deluding herself into forgetting every horrible choice he’d made?

“Why is this so important to you?” she asked, her face contorting with irritation. “Is there something you think I shouldn’t trust?”

No.

Yes.

Everything.

Nothing.

“I feel safe with you for reasons unknown to me,” she said when he didn’t reply, “and I decided not to question it. There’s so few people I feel that way around that when I realized I trusted you, I just accepted it. I don’t have the energy to fight it anymore.”

He followed her through the store. She stopped in the Astrology section and began to peruse.

Ash’s words were a chaotic jumble inside his mind, each one clamoring to be amongst the ones he chose.

Tayshia pulled another book off of the shelf and in a casual tone, asked, “Does that bother you? Having someone like me feel safe with you?”

“Someone like you? What do you—”

“A whore.”

“I don’t give a flying fuck about what Kieran thinks of you,” he said, trying to keep his voice down so the few people in the large store didn’t hear their words echoing. “You’re not a whore.”

She stopped and with a sigh, turned to look up at him. “I know that. Or at least, I thought I did. But now I’m rethinking. Kieran cheated on me and my first thought was to hook up with someone. So, maybe he’s right.”

Stunned, Ash could only stare at her as she continued her tirade.

“But you seem so shocked that I would trust you. Are you not presenting yourself as someone trustworthy? Are you pretending to be someone you’re not to get something out of me? I wasn’t worried, but now I am. Maybe I shouldn’t be—”

He cut her off, feeling more panicked the angrier she sounded. “I’m just...confused. And I’m terrified. I’m not...people don’t trust me. Good people don’t trust me.”

“What reason would you have to be scared?”

He placed his hands on the shelf in front of him and hung his head, struggling to force the words out. Then, he slowly met her gaze.

“What if I hurt you?”

The hardness in her face softened, melting like snowfall. She hugged the two books she’d grabbed close to her chest.

“I don’t think you will,” she murmured. “So don’t say it like it’ll happen.”

Ash didn’t know how to explain how terrified he was of hurting her after what happened in Paris. He had no words to explain to her how witnessing that experience had irrevocably changed him, and how the nights she’d slept in his bed were the first times he’d slept soundly since.

He lifted his hand, reaching towards her face.

Tayshia’s eyes went wide and she gasped. He dropped his hand, anxiety pulsing through his veins. She reached onto the shelf that had been above his shoulder and pulled down a book.

“Connected to the Stars: Star Signs and Their Compatibility,” she said, reading the title aloud. She turned the book over so she could read the back. “Did you find anything?”

“No,” he said. “I was too busy arguing with you.”

She gave him a chastising look and then turned to go towards a table. “Take another look, and then come to me over there when you’re done.”

Ash wandered through the books for a few minutes, grabbing anything that looked appropriate. His mind was whirling.

What the Hell was wrong with him? Why would he say something like that to her? It wasn’t attractive, or funny, or soft, or kind to tell her he was terrified of hurting her. If he was so honored by her trust, why would he try to break it immediately after she told him he had it?

At the table, Tayshia was nose-deep in the book about star signs, so he didn’t say anything to her. He pulled the chair out beside hers and began to read the book he’d found, another book about the astral plane. He tried his best to focus, his eyes glossing over the passages without absorbing much of anything.

What was he even doing? Why was he here, sitting and pretending to be friends with her? He was a horrible person. A bad person. He knew what had happened to her, yet he’d still kissed her more times than he deserved. He’d still hooked up with her. He’d still kissed her in the dream.

Why couldn’t he stop pressuring her?

He was no better than the man in Paris.

“Oh...my...God!”

He heard Tayshia’s exclamation but he couldn’t seem to focus. It felt like the stormy waters inside of him had begun to churn with a vengeance. Except now, the water seemed to have a direction, as though Poseidon had taken His hand and used it to shove the ocean in Ash’s direction. As though He wanted the tidal wave to drown him and only him.

He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Ash, are you all right?”

He looked at her, unable to speak due to his overwhelming anxiety.

“Why do you look so freaked out?” Tayshia reached toward him, towards his face. “Are you—”

“Don’t.” His hand snapped up like a bolt of lightning, snatching her wrist out of the air. “You shouldn’t touch me. We shouldn’t be here, doing this. We shouldn’t be near one another.”

“What are you talking about?” A fearful glance was cast towards his grip on her. He wondered if she was second-guessing that trust now. “Why are you holding me so tightly?”

“Have you ever stopped to think about it?” he hissed, his heart slamming in his chest as the waters rose higher, nearly up to his throat. “Just stop and think. It’s me we’re talking about here. I’m Ash fucking Robards. I’m the guy who robbed a fucking ice cream shop with children inside of it. I’m the reason why your dad got shot. I’m not a good guy. I’m not the person you should trust. If I hadn’t let my dad do whatever he wanted for years, then none of it would have happened. If I hadn’t made the wrong choices, then—”

“Ash, please!” she interjected, the fear in her eyes intensifying with her ire. She tried to pull her hand back again. “Let go of my fucking hand!”

As though her skin had caught fire, he let go of her.

She scrambled to her feet and away from the table, chest heaving as she looked upon him in bewilderment. Ash felt his stomach churning, the ocean still raging inside of him.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” he breathed, staring at his trembling hands. “I was freaking out. I’m freaked out.”

“I was trying to tell you,” she said, shaking as she pointed at the book. “I found something in that book. What is wrong with you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.” He placed his elbows on the table and hung his head between his hands. He hated himself. This was just like with Ryo and the texts Ash had ignored. Gabriel and the letters. Elijah and their arguments.

Why was Ash trying to sabotage everything he had left?

“I think,” Tayshia said, taking cautious steps back to the table, “and I could be wrong, but...I think we’re connected.”

“What, like our star signs are compatible?”

“No. I think we’re actually connected. I think we got into those hot springs and it did something. Started something. I don’t know. Then, when we pulled that amethyst out of the wall and broke it, I think it completed whatever it was.”

“What do you mean?”

“If I were to call it anything, I’d call it a star bond."