Moonlight upon the Sea - Chapter Ten

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Trigger Warnings: eating disorder-related body talk, descriptions of an emaciated person

Chapter Ten

“We’re in the clearing again.”

Ash turned to see Tayshia sitting next to him on the hill. She had a gardenia in her hand, plucked fresh from the flowers by her feet. She wore a black dress made of chiffon with thin straps and a tight waist.

His eyes lingered on her chest, but not her breasts. Her chest bone. The ridges were so prominent.

What the Hell?

“How did you change your clothes?” he said. “Last time, you had the same pajamas on.”

“It’s a dream,” she said, her lips curling up into a smile that didn’t quite match the sobbing, weeping mess that had fallen asleep in his arms. “I figured we could do anything we wanted—so I imagined myself the way I wanted to look, and then it worked.”

He tore his gaze away from her chest and let it rove the rest of her torso. Her collarbones were just as sharp, straining against thin skin as though they wanted to escape. Her neck was long and narrow and her arms looked skeletal.

She wanted to look like this?

Ash looked off to the left, towards the sea beneath a lavender sky studded with silver stars. Something hurt in his chest, deep in the depths where his heart resided. Realization began to creep in, slow and steady.

He didn’t want to fit the pieces together. He didn’t want to believe that what had killed his mother might be affecting Tayshia.

No.

It was just a dream.

Just because she dreamed of looking this way, didn’t mean it was reality. He could imagine himself looking however he wanted, too. It was just her imagination.

He hoped.

“So, what do you want to do?” she said, sounding excited as she got to her feet.

Ash followed suit, seeing that he was in the joggers he always fell asleep in. He pursed his lips and closed his eyes, deciding to try what Tayshia had done and change his clothing. When he opened them again, he was wearing a pair of black jeans and a black crewneck.

“See? I told you,” she said. “It’s that easy. Now we match!”

He lifted one eyebrow. “Matching outfits? You’re one of those girls.”

“Me? Well...” She tilted her head to the side, tapping her chin with the gardenia in her other hand. “I guess I could be. I haven’t ever really gotten the chance to explore that kind-of stuff.”

"The fluff of teenage relationships?”

“And romance.” She sniffed the flower, and a distant look crossed her face. “I’ve only had one boyfriend, and Kieran just wasn’t romantic. I don’t know what it’s like to have affection or gifts or dates that I don’t have to ask my dad for money for, or to be told I’m beautiful.”

“Kieran’s rich. Why would you have to ask your dad for money?”

“He was stingy. He said if we were gonna be married, then we needed to get used to not going out all the time. Never mind the fact that we barely did in the first place. We dated for years, but every date we went on was on my dad’s dime. I thought it was weird that he never asked his parents. Shoot, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was taking Quinn out and paying for her.”

Ash sneered. Even in dreams, he hated Kieran.

“I’m not surprised that he was terrible at that. You deserve nice things—remember that.”

“I won’t forget.”

He glanced off into the distance and then back at her again.

“Good.”

“And if it were up to me,” she went on, “I think matching outfits would be cute. If I had a boyfriend and he took me out to a—like, a dinner date in Portland, it’d be so nice. And if he brought me flowers. I—well, I think that would be pretty cool.”

Ash could see himself doing all of that for her. Happily, without ever feeling embarrassed by outfits that matched. And he could imagine her smile, too, the way it would sparkle in her eyes because she was finally being treated right.

He was fucked.

“Well, we’re matching right now,” he said. “And we can do whatever we want.”

She lowered the flower and looked up at him with wide eyes. “What?”

Ash leaned down and gathered up ten or so gardenias. He arranged them into a makeshift bouquet and handed them to her with a bit of a smirk. The expression on her face was one of shock.

“Flowers,” he said. “And I don’t know if dinner in a dream is the best idea, so if you could do anything you want right now, what would it be?”

“What would you do?”

He answered without missing a beat because it was the same thing he’d always dreamed about since he was a kid.

“Flying on the back of a dragon.”

“Absolutely not. Heights terrify me. I had a horrible experience when I was a kid involving my dad’s failed attempt at a treehouse.”

Ash opened his mouth to ask her for details but thought better of it. He didn’t want to bring her mood back down. If this dream became another nightmare for her, then he’d never forgive himself.

He already had the sounds of her sobs burned into his memory.

“I would decorate a Christmas tree,” she said.

“Why am I not surprised? All this talk about gifts...”

“I love Christmas,” she said, pouting.

“I am not a fan of it.” He held his hands up. “But fine—if that’s what you want to do, then that’s what we’re gonna do.”

Tayshia smiled and it lit up her entire face. With her standing there, curls loose about her upper body, clad in that dress with a bouquet of gardenias in her hands?

He would have said yes to anything.

“Okay, close your eyes.”

She did so. The fact that she trusted him enough to close her eyes within seconds—it did something unexplainable to him.

His fists curled at his sides as he closed his eyes, too. “Think about the living room.”

“All right,” she said.

“Good. Now, open.”

They both opened their eyes and just like that, they were in the living room of their apartment. It was fully decorated for Christmas with all manner of red-and-green décor, sparkling gold and glittering silvers, and more lights than Ash had ever seen before. It was like a combination of the tidy little Christmases his family had, and whatever extravagant holidays the Cole family experienced. The lights were on, flickering and twinkling. Outside the sliding glass door and balcony beyond, the pitch darkness of the sky was broken by thousands of stars. The tree in the corner by the entertainment center stood devoid of decorations, waiting. At the foot of it was a box full of ornaments that Ash’s dreamscape had provided.

Tayshia darted over with a gasp of delight, falling to her knees beside the box. She began sifting through the ornaments, separating the orbs from the more unique ones on the carpet.

Ash slipped his hands into his pockets and sauntered over, perching on the arm of the couch closest to the glass door.

“Someone’s eager.”

“I told you. I love Christmas,” she said, her smile big and bright. “I was always the one who decorated the tree, and my parents would sit on the couch and watch me. My dad would help with the higher branches, of course, so that’s what you can do. I’ll do the bottom half.”

“Oh, I’m decorating it with you?” He took his hands out of his pockets and pushed his sleeves up to his elbows.

“Well, of course,” she said, giving him a look. “Did you think I wanted you to watch me? Come on!”

Ash stared at her, feeling his heart racing faster. That smile was a dream in and of itself. It felt like he hadn’t seen it in days. Weeks. Months.

It felt like he hadn’t seen it since before he went to jail.

They spent the next few minutes in silence, hanging the ornaments on the branches in alternating patterns. Ash found that he liked the feeling of placing them, standing back and looking at his handiwork, then rearranging it all to make the colors look more balanced. He’d never gotten to do this at home, as his father was so controlling that he insisted he do it himself.

Ash wondered what it would have been like to grow up in a family like Tayshia’s.

“I like it,” she said. “It’s coming along, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” he said with a half of a smile. He placed a gingerbread man ornament on the tree, feeling amused. None of this was real, yet it felt like it was. It was weird. “You know we’re going to have to do this in real life, too. Christmas is in two months.”

“I know,” she said as she hung a candy cane ornament on a lower branch and admired it. “I mean, I’ll probably go home for Christmas, but I wanna put a tree up in the apartment so I can look at it.”

Ash placed a couple of silver orbs in different spots so they wouldn’t look too close together. He supposed this wasn’t so bad. It wouldn’t be too difficult to do it in the apartment in the waking world.

“I could help you, you know,” he said. “You don’t have to like, do it on your own, or anything.”

She looked up at him from her place on her knees on the floor. She hung a red glittering orb without looking, the twinkling of the lights on the tree flickering across her face.

“Really?”

He shrugged.

“All right,” she said. “Have you ever decorated a tree of your own before?”

“Nah,” he said, hanging another orb. “We celebrated Christmas, but for us, it was my dad’s thing. He did everything—decorations, lights, gift wrapping. He just wanted to be in control. I don’t think I’ve ever had a Christmas list.”

“Never had a Christmas list?!” Tayshia grabbed an ornament and stood up to hand it to him. She watched him start decorating the highest branches. “I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, well.” Another shrug. “My dad liked to believe he knew what we wanted. He did all right, except for the year he got me extra drugs to sell. It’s ridiculous.”

“Um, ew.”

“Yeah.”

Ash hung some more ornaments.

“You and Ji Hyun dated, right?” she said. “In freshman year?”

“Oh, yeah,” he said. “But we were better as friends. Why do you ask?”

“I’m just wondering if she ever got you anything for Christmas. I mean, found family is still family, right? That way when your actual family fucks up...”

“Yeah, Ji Hyun is not a gift-giver.” Ash snorted. “She’s the girl expecting you to bring her a gift to your birthday party.”

“You’re so mean,” Tayshia said with a laugh. “When we wake up, I’m telling her what you said.”

“Go ahead. She won’t disagree with you. But she’s not a bad person.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, resting his palm against the back of his head for a second. “That role belongs to me for my friend group, unfortunately.”

“You don’t think you’ve changed?” Tayshia knelt down by the box and resumed hanging ornaments on her level of the tree. “Since that day?”

Ash was silent for a long moment as he sifted through his thoughts and feelings. Yes, he’d walked into that shop when he could have gone for help. But the fact that he’d harbored the guilt since the sun set on that day granted him some reprieve from thinking he was the worst person in the world. He thought his father held that crown.

However, Ash was by no means perfect. He’d made choices that had gotten people hurt.

Which crown did he wear?

“There’s no excuse for what I did,” Ash said, crouching down to sift through the ornament box. There was a pretty gold star with intricate designs etched into the surface. He picked it up, feeling the cool metal against his fingers. “I’ve done some shitty things and pretending I haven’t would make me just as bad as my dad.”

Tayshia looked down at him, her hands frozen in the process of fluffing a branch. She tilted her head to the side, scrutinizing him.

“Don’t compare yourself to anyone,” she said, “because I think that’s something I’ve learned this year. I’ve had to like, really stop and think about what’s actually wrong with me, and what I’m perceiving to be wrong with me. To ask myself, am I the same person that I see in the mirror? It’s been difficult, but I’ve gotten a lot of clarity about myself and other people.”

Picking up the star, Ash stood up and placed it on top of the tree.

“And what are the details of this clarity you’ve achieved?” he asked, stepping back to admire the full effect of the ornaments, lights, and the star.

Tayshia came to stand beside him. “I’ve come to learn that just because you call someone a friend, doesn’t mean you really know them. Sometimes, the people you think you love can hurt you.” She looked up at him and smiled. “And the people you think you don’t know can actually turn out to be really awesome if you just get to know them.”

His gaze traversed the planes of her face.

“Yeah?”

"Yeah.”

They stood and viewed the tree for a while. The darkness around them, broken by warm twinkling lights and the faint scent of pine, made Ash feel like he was at home. He wanted to sit down on the couch and watch the tree sparkle until they woke up.

“Sometimes, I wish I could go back and do things differently,” Tayshia said, her voice as soft as snowfall.

“So do I,” Ash said, looking down at her again. “Maybe I’d see if I could get my parents to decorate at least one tree together like this.”

“I’d go all the way back,” she whispered. “Back to the day I first met Kieran. I’d unmeet him. I’d refuse to go to the same church as him entirely, and then I’d see what it was like to live in my world without ever becoming a part of his. I wouldn’t have to do anything except be me.”

“What?” he said, laughing slightly as he touched her elbow and turned her to face him. “You don’t have to be anything other than yourself. Who is telling you that you have to be somebody else?”

She said nothing, not looking at him. Frustrated, Ash gripped her chin in a gentle hand and tilted her face upward.

“Who is telling you to be someone you’re not?”

“Everyone,” she mumbled. “The world chose a role for me when I was born and I’ve been struggling to fit into that mold ever since. I’m not small enough to...” Her brow furrowed, lines appearing there as her hands came up to wrap around his wrists. “That’s a hypothetical—I mean, I’m saying there’s a mold that the world wants me to fit into, that I simply don’t fit. And it’s gotten to the point where I’d rather unmeet everyone than keep trying to figure out how to make them all happy. I’m just so tired.”

Ash realized that what she was saying was probably one of her darkest secrets. If any of her family or friends heard her say that she’d go back to a time where they weren’t in her life so she could unmeet them, he didn’t think they’d be too happy about it.

And he understood that sometimes, the pressures of life made you want things that were unheard of. When he was selling for Gabriel and Ricky, the stress had gotten so bad sometimes that he’d contemplated death if only to gain some reprieve.

He’d been tired, too.

But what Tayshia had endured in Paris was much worse than anything Ash had been through.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and he meant it. Because they were inside a dream and there was no one watching. No one to hold him accountable except the person the apology was owed to. “There’s a lot of things I’ve done wrong. A lot of wrong choices. But if there’s one person who doesn’t expect anything out of you, it’s me. You don’t have to do or say or be anything other than yourself. Not that I’m on your list of people to impress, but...when you can’t handle it anymore and you just need a break? You can come to me.”

Tayshia pulled her face out of his grasp. He saw her gaze washing over the roses on his neck, nestled amongst the chains of his past. Slowly, she lifted a hand. Her finger traced the outline of one rose. He gritted his teeth to hold back the urge to shiver.

“Sometimes, I forget that I’m not the only one who’s hurting,” she said in a soft voice. “Do you miss her?”

“Miss who?”

“Your mother.”

His heart wrenched and his fingers twitched at his sides.

Of course he did. More than anything. He missed her so badly that it hurt. He had no one to talk to about it.

“Obviously,” he muttered. “I’d be a cold man if I didn’t, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know,” she said, her fingers trailing down his arm and along his wrist. She turned it so his palm was facing hers. Her fingers twined with his, her skin feeling much warmer in this dream than it did in real life. “I just want you to know that I’m here, too, if you ever need someone to hold you.”

Another skip of his heartbeat.

“Yeah?”

“There’s no reason why you should have to carry your burdens and mine.”

“Hm,” he said, humming in response. He couldn’t stop looking at her face and the way the lights played off of it. When had she gotten so fucking beautiful?

And why couldn’t Kieran see it?

Tayshia smiled, and it was everything. “I’m really glad we became friends, Ash. I just wish things could be this easy when we’re awake.”

“They can be,” he said. “Come here.”

Ash tugged on her hand. It caught her by surprise, forcing her to stumble forward and fall against his chest. Before he could think too hard on it, he wrapped his arms around her.

“We can hold each other whenever we want?” She lifted her hands, hesitating with them hovering over the back of his ribcage. “Whenever I want?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“Just like this?” She slid her arms around his waist and locked them in place.

“Mh-hm,” Ash turned his head to look at the tree. “Just like this.”

“You have changed, Ash. And it’s a really, really good thing.”

They watched the tree. Watched the lights twinkle on and off and the ornaments sparkle. Watched the peace exist in front of them as though nothing bad had ever or could ever happen to them again.

Ash felt content.