Starlight on the Snow - Chapter Nine

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Trigger Warnings: Discussion of eating disorders and ED culture in a classroom setting.

Chapter Nine

Ash realized now that he really could have gone to someone for help that day, instead of making the decision to walk into that ice cream shop.

If he would have made a different choice, it might have changed his entire future. His mother might still be alive if he hadn’t been sentenced. If she had no reason to get upset, then nothing would have caused the heart attack.

His father might still have been addicted to drugs or dealing, but Ash didn’t give a flying fuck what happened to his father. It was Gabriel’s fault that his mother was gone. It was Gabriel that Ash wished was dead.

Ash set his spoon down, staring at the bowl of cereal in front of him. He took slow, deep breaths. He needed to stay calm. Under no circumstances was he going to allow himself to have a fucking meltdown in the cafeteria before class. Not over his poor choices.

He had made those choices himself. He needed to live with them.

Ash resumed eating. He glanced around at all of the students, his gaze landing on the table where Tayshia sat. For the first time in a while, Ash saw that Kieran was sitting there with her. His eyes still crinkled at the edges when he smiled and the perpetual dark circles were there beneath them, but his hair was a bit longer. It curled around his ears, sandy and brown.

Kieran had his hands all over Tayshia, as though she were the type of girl to enjoy that sort of thing. He was saying something to her over and over, continuously trying to kiss the side of her throat. It was clear that she didn’t like it because her shoulder kept rising.

Why did Kieran look so angry? God, what was he gonna do? Kiss her against her will?

Ash would fuck his shit up if he tried that, and he didn’t care if he and Tayshia could barely stand each other. Any guy who had the balls to touch a woman without her consent was a man who deserved to have his ass kicked. In Ash’s opinion, a man like that was worth going to prison for.

Men like that were the sort of men who were tough until they were standing in front of another man—then they were weak.

Not that he cared about Tayshia like that. At least, not beyond the general regard for her well-being as a human being who didn’t deserve to be treated poorly. It wasn’t like he liked her, or anything. He didn’t need to like someone to want to make sure they were treated well.

But if he really sat there and looked at her, he could see that she was pretty. It would be stupid of him to act like she was ugly when she really wasn’t. She had one of those faces—the kind that seemed to look presentable whether she wore make-up or not. Her brows were feathery, sitting proportionate to her eyes. Eyes which were fringed with long lashes that always curled up just so.

And her hair was always so interesting, changing every few weeks to some new style. It was in curls now, but he was sure it would be something else soon. Braids, waves that cascaded, straight, completely different colors, in twists... It was interesting to see.

She had a mysterious, almost sultry look to her. Her lips were full—the type that might look swollen after kissing them. Sometimes, Ash wanted to slide his fingers along her jaw, take her chin in his hand, and see if her lips really did swell up.

Ash stood up, grabbing his backpack so he could head to his first class of the day—Math 120. He needed to get out of the cafeteria before he got caught staring at her like some creep.

He had a decently full class schedule to finish up his transfer degree in the program. After math, he had Intro to Psych. Then, after lunch, he had a free period, a literature class called Myths & Legends, and then a bit later, a Geography class. It was a full load, but he had nothing else to do. He’d spend winter term with a lighter one if he needed to.

Later, in Intro to Psych, Ash took his usual seat beside Ji Hyun, who barely looked up from inspecting her nail polish as he did so.

“Ash,” she greeted in a haughty tone. “You’re looking moody.”

“Ji Hyun. You have a bitchy air about you.”

She scoffed and rolled her head to glare at him. Her oval face was done-up perfectly, framed by her long jet-black waves. She gave him a once-over. “Still dressing like a 2011 Scene kid, I see.”

“Don’t be shitty, Ji Hyun.” He smoothed out the front of his zip-up hoodie, which was black with a white zipper and white drawstrings. He also wore skinny jeans with a dark wash and a brown belt. “The day I stop dressing like I’m going to Warped Tour is the day I die.”

Ji Hyun’s sour expression cracked open like an egg, revealing a sunny-side up disposition. She grinned and leaned forward to press a kiss to his cheek, squeezing his jaw between her fingers. “I know. I’m just hoping if I pressure you enough, you’ll stop.”

Ash rolled his eyes.

“Good God.” Ji Hyun shook her head. “Your roots are killing me.”

“Enjoy death.”

“Whatever. So, open your ears up,” Ji Hyun said as the classroom slowly filled around them. “You’re not going to believe the gossip I just heard in my last class.”

Ash reached into his backpack to pull out his notes from the teacher, Mrs. Morrows’ continuing series on mental disorders, and a mechanical pencil. He sunk down in his seat, stretching his legs out.

“Well? Don’t just stare at me.” He raised his eyebrows at his notebook as though it looked stupid. “Lay the nonsense on me.”

Ji Hyun clucked her tongue against her teeth but chose not to scold him as she folded her arms on the table and leaned towards him.

“I have it on good authority that one Kieran O’Connell was seen canoodling in a room at the football team’s party last weekend with one Quinn Baker. And they may or may not have had clothes on.”

“What?”

Ash swiveled his head back to the front, where he could see Tayshia sitting at a table near the front of the room. She was in the process of writing furiously in a notebook, and she sat with her whole body in the chair, one arm wrapped around her knees, which were pulled to her chest. He couldn’t help but remember how uncomfortable she’d seemed with Kieran in the cafeteria at breakfast.

Was it because she knew?

Ji Hyun’s voice came into Ash’s ear. “Do you think Miss Perfect knows her boyfriend is making out at parties with her busty broad of a best friend?” She then said in a high-pitched, exaggerated voice, “I don’t thiiiink so.”

Ash eyed Tayshia a second longer. He remembered the day she’d moved in, when she’d asked Quinn to stay and she’d said she couldn’t. Had she been in a hurry because she was heading over to wherever Kieran lived? Would she show up for Tayshia’s birthday and leave in a rush again?

“I’m concerned,” he said.

“Why? About her?”

“About my apartment. Do you know what kind of messes she’s going to leave when she finds out her boyfriend is fucking other people?”

“Is she really that messy?” she asked with a grimace. “I didn’t think she was the type. I mean, I’m the type. You should see mine and Andre’s apartment. But she’s always been such a...”

“Goody two-shoes?”

Ji Hyun nodded.

“She likes her things to be left exactly in their place,” Ash said in a light tone as he pulled his hood up onto the back of his head. “And typically, that place is wherever she decides to leave them.”

“Really? That’s so weird. She doesn’t just like, put them away?”

“Nah, and she’s so weird. Like, she’s always in the bathroom.”

“Multiple times, or just once a day?”

“No. I’m talking multiple times a day. We only have one bathroom and I have to use the fucking public one at the leasing office all the time because she’s always in there. For over thirty minutes at a time. It’s ridiculous.”

Ji Hyun studied him for a second, opening her mouth to speak. Then, she shook her head and turned to her notebook. Suspicion filled him.

“Do you have like, a guess as to why?” he asked.

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Probably just girl stuff. I wouldn’t worry about it—I’d worry more about her being messy. Messy roommates are horrible.”

Just then, Mrs. Morrows bustled into the classroom with her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, almond-shaped glasses and a pinstriped pantsuit on. She had a coffee cup in one hand and a donut in the other. She launched into class before she’d even made it to her desk to set the food and drink down. Once she had, she went to the podium and continued to speak.

“Today, class, I want to continue our study of mental disorders,” she said. “If you’ll turn to the chapter in your books, we can just jump right back in. Does someone want to pick up reading aloud where we left off? Ah, yes—Melissa, go ahead.”

As Melissa, a girl Ash had only ever had one class with in tenth grade spoke, Ash inevitably found his mind wandering back to Ji Hyun’s information. While he was not Tayshia’s friend by any stretch of the imagination, he had a feeling it would suck to find out your boyfriend was a cheater.

To be even more frank, the guy was a complete idiot. Ash had had plenty of classes with him where he struggled with understanding the simplest things. All he cared about was partying, girls, and football. There had to be something wrong with him to be sleeping with his girlfriend’s best friend.

Come to think of it, Tayshia didn’t really spend much time with Kieran. She never brought him back to the apartment, she had a full class schedule, and she never really went anywhere on the weekends. Tayshia spent most of her time sitting on the floor of the living room, eating and watching TV while doing her studies. Sometimes, she was playing a handheld game console on the couch or scrolling through her phone.

She either had no time to fuck her idiot of a boyfriend or no desire to, and that could be the reason why he was sleeping around.

But that reason seemed so thin. Thin, and juvenile.

They were all adults now. Was sex so important to Kieran that he’d actually cheat on Tayshia, the girl he’d been dating since day one of ninth grade? He couldn’t possibly be that immature. There had to be another reason why he would step out on her.

Ash snuck another glance up in Tayshia’s direction. She was hunched over her knees, taking notes that would likely make Mrs. Morrows ask her to teach the class.

Fuck, she was living rent-free in his mind, wasn’t she?

“All right, class, let’s move on to what’s probably one of the most important subjects we’ll talk about during this portion of the term. Eating disorders,” Mrs. Morrows said twenty minutes into class. “If you’ll turn the page, you’ll see that there’s only a small section in the book dedicated to this particular subset of mental disorders, and I think that’s a crime. So, we’re going to spend the next few days in class on them, and then I’m going to have you write an essay.”

Ash shifted in his seat, trying not to think about his mother.

This was going to suck.

Tayshia’s hand shot up and she spoke without waiting to be called on. “Mrs. Morrows, is this portion of the term skippable?”

Mrs. Morrows frowned. “Of course not, Tayshia. This is probably the most important section of the term.”

“Oh, okay,” she said, and then she rested her chin in her hand.

“Are you worried about triggering content?” Mrs. Morrows asked, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning against the podium.

“No,” Tayshia said quickly. “That’s not it. I’m just uncomfortable with the subject matter, especially because most studies available don’t include statistics on Black women with disorders. Since I’m a Black woman, I’d just prefer to learn the most unbiased information that I can.”

Mrs. Morrows tilted her head in thought. “Thank you for telling me that. I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable in my class at all—and that goes for all of the rest of you, too. How about we start with the textbook today? And then tonight, I can do some research and see if I can come up with some diverse peer-reviewed studies. And you’re welcome to bring in some of your own, of course.”

“What exactly will we be covering in this section?”

“What do you mean, Tayshia?” Mrs. Morrows peered at her over her glasses.

“Like, which disorders?”

“Well, there’s quite a few, but namely Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating Disorder. In your essays, you’ll have the chance to research the others. Now, class, we—”

“Wait,” Tayshia said, raising her hand for a moment again. “We won’t be putting focus on weight, will we? Because there’s been a lot of studies done that prove that anyone can have a disorder, regardless of their weight. I just want to make sure none of the curriculum will be weight-focused. I think that’s something I’d consider triggering.”

Mrs. Morrows blinked. “We won’t be focusing on weight, numbers, or BMIs, no.”

“And we won’t be talking about thinspo, will we?”

Mrs. Morrows looked perturbed. Several students whispered what’s thinspo? to one another. When Ash looked at Ji Hyun, he saw that she’d pulled a face of puzzlement.

Damn, Tayshia was thorough. She always had been, but this was so extra. Why didn’t she just wait and find out like the rest of the class? Plus, it sounded like she knew everything she needed to know already. Ash himself wasn’t too ecstatic about this section of class because of his mother, but he wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. He’d skip the assignments if he had to. The points couldn’t be that big of a deal in the overall grade.

Mrs. Morrows said, “Er, no. We won’t be discussing the culture around eating disorders. Just the medical facts and the way it affects the brain as it pertains to psychology.”

Sometimes, Ash wondered if Tayshia really understood how bizarre she was.

At the end of the period, he finished jotting down his notes and then began putting his things back into his bag. There was a bit of a fiasco at the door as Tayshia pushed her way through the crowd, and then her footsteps could be heard receding down the hallway at a rapid pace. Ji Hyun scoffed but said nothing as she waited by the desk’s edge for Ash to follow.

“I don’t know about you,” she said as they trudged down the hallway, “but I don’t think she’s a slick as she thinks she is.”

Ash moved aside as a group of younger students came barreling by, laughing and screaming like children. He watched them, wondering if he’d been that annoying in high school.

The only downside of attending the pre-requisite program was having to be subjected to immaturity.

“What’s there to be slick about?” Ash asked, running his fingers backward through his hair. He pushed his hood off with the movement.

“If you don’t already know, then you won’t get it.”

“Uh...okay,” he said. “So, anyway—who told you about Kieran and Quinn?”

“Andre did, actually,” she said as they walked.

“Shit.”

“Shit is right. I don’t understand what’s wrong with her—why doesn’t she just dump him? She can’t really be so oblivious that she doesn’t know he’s cheating. He’s so stupid.”

“Says the girl who got back together with Kyle last year after he cheated on you.”

Ji Hyun elbowed him. “Stop. I’m pretty. I can get away with being stupid. At least I’m with Andre now.”

“And I’m not pretty?” Ash countered with a lopsided grin as he looked down at her.

“Of course you are. You’ve got good hair—it does that swooshy thing when you push it back. You’ve got a jawline that could cut diamonds. And your tattoos make you look dangerous, but in the sort of way that’s intimidating and not frightening. Your eyes are unsettling, though. I’ve never liked blue eyes.”

“Rude.”

“So, what are you going to do about Tayshia being messy?”

“Nothing,” he said. “I can’t force her to clean, and she won’t do it.”

“God, it’s not like you’re hooking up with her. You can put your foot down, you know.”

“I’m not hooking with anyone,” he said with a breathy laugh. “But if I was, I’d still be able to tell them to clean up their shit.”

They exited through some doors that led to another hallway. This one was emptier than the last because it didn’t have lockers in it. Instead, there were classroom doors and religious paintings lining the walls.

Ash could feel Ji Hyun’s gaze upon him, searching and accusatory.

“You’re not hooking up with Tayshia, are you?”

“Of course not. Isn’t that what I already said?”

Ji Hyun tossed her hair. “You’re so defensive about it. I really hope you’re not. Do you know how messed up that would be? No offense, but with her dad and everything...not a good idea.”

“You’re so loyal. It’s a good look for you.”

“I am loyal. I’m here, still friends with you, aren’t I? But I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, Ash. You and your dad held people at gunpoint and stole their wallets. Her dad got shot. If you’re trying to hook up with her, or if you’ve already hooked up with her, that’s—”

“Can you not and say you did?” he snapped, grinding his teeth. “I’m not fucking Tayshia, and that’s the end of it.”

Ji Hyun responded with a huff.

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Author's Note: Do you prefer faster or slower updates? Let me know in the comments below! If you like faster, I do technically have 3 chapters ready to go, edited, and waiting in the wings.